Remember when you were dating and holding hands, sitting close, head on his shoulder….basically having our bodies touching in at least one way…when not being physically connected was actually painful…and then when the date was over…you couldn’t wait to hold hands, snuggle in and be together again? What happens to that adrenaline rushing, sweat palms, heart racing anticipation as the years of marriage pass?
Do we outgrow that visceral need for physical contact with our lover, our boyfriend, our soulmate? Does the fact that we can “do it” anytime lessen the allure or urgency? Do we lose the specialness of ordinary things in the mundane of life? Do we take for granted that husbands and hand holding will be there later… When we are less hassled, harried, rushed for time and has more energy to even think about being close?
Yes…option D – all of the above.
It’s no wonder we feel less connected to our spouse emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually…
Without getting into major marriage issues that impact connection, or the proverbial which comes first, chicken or egg debate that I often hear in my workwith couples (as well as deal with in my own life):
Her: if I felt more connected to you husband on an emotional level, I am sure we would have sex more often because I would be all about making love from all the good connected feelings I have!
Him: well, if we had sex more often, I be more likely to have energy, interest and actually seek out more emotional connection!
Without going “there” I can, with great conviction born of both professional and personal experience, state: holding hands ALOT is a great way to increase all kinds of connections between couples. 🙂
I am totally serious!! Try it! Every time you are with your spouse, reach out and take his hand! (Women are the biggest readers of my blog but rest assured, when I coach men remind them of this all the time too!)
Watch other couples and observe the ones holding hands, leaning into each other, making eye contact, walking together side by side: running errands with kids in tow, heading into their kids sporting events, concerts or other activities… These couples seem happier! I would bet they are happier”
It is easy to let the stuff of life distract us or even numb us to the reality that NOW is what we have…later is uncertain! So be willing to move reach out first, stop waiting until ____!!
I am the touchy one in our marriage and more often than not, I am the one who reaches out first. For years this would make me sad or mad! I would fume, pout and give off signals to my hubbie, John – telepathically, subtly, or with acerbic statements – obviously frustrated that I had to ask or remind him. Didn’t he know the way to more of what he wanted was to give me what I wanted ( see un-talked about chicken – egg question above) 🙂
Finally, I realized it didn’t matter if I reached out first.. Point was, we were holding hands and that led to leaning in, laughter, sharing… feeling more connected…which is what we both really want and need.
Now, older, wiser amd hopefully more mature, I don’t get angry, i reach out and take his had…as I remember all the other ways John reaches out and cares for me. I am delighted when he takes my hand first, but I don’t wait anymore. Ironically, we have made such a habit of this that he does reach first more often and we do slide into “hand holding position” with ease and almost as a default these days…
Kind of like back when we were dating!
Any great hand holding stories you want to share?