Stalled and Floundering…
Today I realized that I have been wanting to get on a schedule, which is a sure sigh that something is amiss, because, I am not a “scheduled” kind of girl. I mean, I like being organized, and having a rhythm to my days, but the idea of a strict “schedule” (which is where my mind goes with the word) is like sand in my swimsuit, or that awful feeling of grit in your eyes while wearing contact lenses…in other words, uncomfortable!
I bristle at a lack of spontaneity, and thus all my children will probably be daytimer addicts, as their mother has changed her plans many times through the years on a moments notice, a whimsical idea, or other things that might tickle my fancy, or theirs;)
but I digress… when I say, “I am feeling like i need a schedule” it is to the extreme, the written down, hour by hour, plan our my day and then check off the tasks, kind of schedule, rather than the orderly rhythm that usually keeps my over creative and idea driven mind on task ;D and recently I have been felling like, I need said schedule!! which results in an announcement of some sort, regarding the general state of affairs in our home, “this house is a mess!” or “when is the last time anyone did their chores?” accompanied by the familiar, “how did I get so far behind!” and “turn off the TV!” all of which tumble out of my mouth!!! coupled with those condemning judgments that swirl through my head, ” I need to to eat better, & exercise more” which surely explain the condition of my house and that awful, contemptuous lurking lie of “I am fat!” (why do we always link our stress and struggles to food and body image issues?!) and i think a schedule will fix all of this!!!
Imagine… if I put as much energy into just loading the dishwasher, filing some papers, returning some phone calls, or cleaning up some of the mess that is forever reproducing in my house;) imagine how little time and energy I would spend on the lies!
but a schedule is not the answer, because i rarely schedule things that really matter, the lounging time with the kids, the stacks of magazines that we cut up for collages, time spent filling my sketch book with ideas, words, shapes, or pounding away on my laptop trying to download my brain!!!
rarely do I schedule in long talks with the neighbors that begin at the mailbox as i pick yesterday’s daylilies, now closed and making space for today’s blooms, or for the laughter and stories shared over wine and fireworks in the cul-de-sac on warm summer evenings, as the school year ends… these things unfold spontaneously, and if I have scheduled every hour with tasks and productivity, I miss these magic moments…
so it is rhythm that I need to recapture. for it is in the rhythm of days that I find time to create a bit of order in my home, remind my kids to do their chores, return enough phone calls, and at least stack up the papers that should be filed;)
in the rhythm of days, I rise early enough to get a good run in as the sun rises and then write, think and be still in the silence as the house still sleeps…I begin my day awake and creating space for myself and those I love, and then I can live into the rhythm of the day as it unfolds, listening for the changes in the beat, the shifts in the sounds as Shekinah brings different people and experiences into the dance of the day…
so as I rise tomorrow, I will seek to return to rhythmic living… to listening, to being within the moments, with discipline enough to be present, and grace enough to enjoy!
