[COVID Crisis Series 4 of 25] Naming the Fear and Grief

The following is a full transcript of a Facebook Live, where Susie is speaking  extemporaneously – she is unscripted and unedited. 

(00:00):

Okay, this is take three of today’s live video. I am not sure what’s going on, but between the internet and my phone going wonky and falling off, I apologize. I’ll delete the two below. So we’re going live today. Today’s Friday. Have you guys lost track of days? Like I like they all blending together. Like which day is today and what day is tomorrow. And like used to be like with work we’d have like, okay, yay, woo. And now Friday doesn’t look that different from Saturday or Sunday because we’re home and our kids are home and all the people are home. And I don’t know about you, but it’s been a little bit of a challenge. Excuse me. My allergies are really bad today and I uh, had a tough, tough evening last night. Yesterday we talked about all the fields and feeling all our fields because it was really good to fill all our fields and name our feelings and wouldn’t, you know, last night all of the feelings crashed in on me.

(00:52):

All the fields I began to like in the afternoon I started feeling a little angsty and a little angry. I was lost little snippy at which I talked about yesterday and it kind of carried into, excuse me, it kind of carried into, Oh, who else has allergies or bad woo? Um, it kind of carried into the evening. I was like, what’s going on? What’s going on? And finally something snapped and I got really sad and I started having all the sad feelings that I’ve kind of been, I thought I was handling them well, but I guess I maybe was trying to handle them too well because they just started coming out of me. I was sad about everything. Um, and I sat down with my husband and I just started to cry and I put my head on his shoulder and I probably cried for 15, 20 minutes just crying.

(01:37):

I’m in fact so bad that, you know, 15 minutes ago I still had cucumbers on my eyes for all the swelling, um, because they were all puffy this morning cause I cried so much last night. I don’t know if that happens to you, but I want to share that we really are all in this together. It happened to me. And, um, that is, that’s just reality. That’s me being honest and authentic and vulnerable with you guys and letting you know that as I talk about having all these feelings, I’m having them all too. And so last night I think what caught up with me was, you know, the my own fears about the coronavirus and being, um, at home, uh, and having so little, well, not so little, no control over what other people are doing to be safe, um, what the country’s doing, not knowing the next thing that, knowing how long is this going to last, being high risk, what that means for me.

(02:26):

Um, at one point I looked at John and I, I just looked at him with tears in my eyes and I went and I don’t even know what it’s safe for us to go to the grocery store, not even us. You had to go to the grocery store because he goes and does our shopping. He’s been once a week, um, and then comes in and we wipe everything down and just the fears of resolve and resulting in that. And then I was sad about my mother long and I was sad about this and sad about that. And all these things came crashing forward. Sad about some friends whose really are struggling, uh, my clients and you just this, even the emails and DMS I’ve gotten from hi Linda. And even the DMS and emails I’ve gotten from people about the struggle of relationships that are coming up because even the strongest relationships have, you know, have tough times and cracks and splinters and you put tough times on top of struggling relationships and they get even worse.

(03:12):

And so my heart has been heavy and burdened and I just kept adding and this and that and this and tears coming down my face and I’m just feeling so out of control. And so all the fields, all the fields came out last night and I was thinking about that verse in Joel where God talks about redeeming the years of locusts have eaten to Joel two 25 and he talks about, and I love that he does this cause it, it helps me. He says, I’ll redeem the years the locusts have eaten. And then he starts listing the kinds of locusts, the crunching locus, the devouring locusts, the young locusts, the swarming locusts. And I just, I remember when I first started studying that verse, I was like, Oh God is aware of all the things, all the different things and I don’t know about you, but sometimes life just feels hard and heavy.

(03:54):

And, and I had the image of being in the ocean as a kid and I would kind of stand up in a wave, would, would catch me into kind of tumble me down. I’d stand up again and a wave would catch me and tumbled me down. And until I learned to move a little forward, further forward, a little further forward and get out of the undertow. And that’s sometimes how we feel emotionally. Like thing after thing after thing is crashing upon us. And I kind of think that versus there for us to know that God sees all of it, all of those things. Cause he could have just said, you know, I’ll redeem all the things that the locusts have eaten. I’ll, I’ll redeem all the things. And, but he lists them out, all the little things, um, w different kinds of locus that come into our life and take, take us out and make us feel like our, you know, our, we lose our footing or the crops are gone.

(04:39):

And so in that high Sharon in that place, um, I, I find comfort, and maybe that’s weird, but I look back at what God said to Israel when he said, I will restore the years the locusts have eaten. And then he lists all the locusts. Um, and last night I feel like I was listing all the locus in my life. We’re talking Sharon and, um, I think it’s cutesy. Kathy, I’m not sure how to say your name. That’s, hi there. It’s Moses. Um, good to see you. I’m an old friend from the past. Um, I think when we have all these fields, sometimes they just tumble it on each other. And that’s what happened to me last night. All the fields, all at once. Lots of emotion. And I often tell all the men, I work with it for women. Our feelings are attached to our tear ducts.

(05:24):

So if we have tears coming out, usually there’s lots of feelings going on. And I think that, um, at least for me, and this may be true for you sometimes just getting them out, purging them crying. Um, we talked yesterday about naming them, but, and you know, I had been naming my feelings, I’ve been talking with Johnny about them, but I didn’t realize how much sadness and um, and even some anxiety, you know, not wanting to be fearful, but we have this thing that’s real. We don’t want fear to, um, to control us. But if we’re not honest that there is this thing out there, this virus uncertainty that is fear producing. And even our leaders have some fear and people who are in the medical field have some fear. We don’t have to let fear control us, but we have to name it. And I just think there was just so much sadness for me in grief and fear thing after thing after thing.

(06:12):

And then I was probably sad that, you know, the light bulb was broken and I didn’t have this and I forgot to write that letter. And we just get started and it’s this tumbling ball downhill. And so that’s what happened to me. I’m sharing that with you. So you know that we really are all in this together. We really are. Hi Karen. We really are all struggling. We all are succeeding. We all are one step at a timing it, um, because that’s how we’re going to get through this. Um, and that’s what we’re, we’re really doing here every morning together. And as we go through the day, um, sometimes when I’m overcome with emotion, I have to, you know, get it out. But then I have to go wash my face and think, okay, what is the next right thing I can do? And sometimes that’s all I can see the next right thing.

(06:57):

So even last night it was, okay, get up, wash your face, you know, brush your teeth, go to bed, get some sleep. Start this morning, you know, all over again. Um, hi John Rogers. But literally, as I said, early on, 15 minutes ago, I had cucumbers on my eyes cause they were so puffy from all the crying last night. And I just want to give you permission to be real with where you are. And I also want to give you permission to struggle, but also give you permission to put a pin in it and go, okay, I’m going to put all this in a box over here. I’m going to trust God with it and I’m going to go on and I’m going to do the next right thing. And that’s kinda what I’m doing this morning. I was gonna talk about something totally different this morning, but after last night I thought, Oh, I just got to come on and tell you about all the fields and then it happens and that we are all in this together.

(07:40):

And so some of those things kind of creep up this morning and I put them, we are all human. Thanks Sharon. I am so human. I’m as as struggling along as the rest of you. And so some of the feelings I got to put in a box and kind of in my mental image, kind of put them in a shoe box, put the lid on and put it over on the shelf. Because I don’t want them crashing over me today. And part of trusting God is trusting that God will handle them and help me through them and then ask myself, what is the next right thing? So I took the cucumbers off, put on some makeup, got on Facebook because that was my next right thing for today. What is your next right thing when you are feeling overwhelmed? Just the next right step. And so as I got up this morning and had my time with the Lord, there was a verse that God gave me that I want to share with you, that I hope will encourage you today.

(08:24):

Because sometimes all we have is the willful assent to believe that God says what he says. And it’s true and we don’t have the fields around it. We just might have to believe and choose to believe that, Hey Karen, and, and choose with our mind to say, you know what? God’s in control. I’m not, you know, yes, this is hard. And where can I find joy? And so this first is in Psalm 30. Oh, I closed my Bible. Hold on. So I’m 33 and I’m reading it from the message version. Eugene Peterson wrote this really readable version, um, the message and it says, here we are depending on God. He’s everything we need. What’s more our hearts brim with joy since we have taken for our own God’s Holy name, love us God, with all you’ve got. That’s what we’re depending on. And so two things I took from that verse that really helped me.

(09:16):

Um, of course we’re depending on God. He’s everything we need. And so in wanting to control the world right now, you know, that’s not what I need. I, you know, that’s not what we need. We need God. And, um, what’s more our hearts broom with joy. And so that whole thought of Ken, our sadness and our struggle exist at the same time with joy. And I think it can because of who God is and that we’re loved by God, not because of all the fields, but because of what’s true. And then I love this last, uh, little, um, two sentences that Eugene Peterson translated and it says, love us God with all you’ve got. That’s what we’re depending on. And so for me today, friend, that’s what I’m depending on when all those feelings come back up to the surface, when I’m wrestling, when I’m struggling, I’m going to go love me God with all you’ve got today because that’s what I’m depending on. And so I hope that verse gives you a little hope today. Um, if you are struggling, you know, again, PME, I’ve gotten lots of, Hey Michael, good to see you. I’ve gotten lots of messages from folks who are being really honest, that this is hard and they’re asking questions that I’m trying to answer in these little Facebook lives. But if you have, um, again, yesterday I’m all over the map. See all the fields are just right here.

(10:25):

Um, if you have questions or thoughts or struggles and you want to PM me, please do that. You can keep them private. If you have a joy you find today in the midst of, um, what’s hard, put that in the comments so we can all share on that. I am looking at think or considering doing a Sunday with Susie series where we kind of look at the scriptures and maybe unpack one or two if that’s something you’d be interested in. Put that in the comments. Um, so I just know that there’ll be people and I can make sure I tag you when I do that for today. Uh, this Friday, can you believe it’s Friday? We made it through another week for today. If I’m going to invite you with me to look through the day for places where God shows up with those, those winks, those whispers, hi Linda.

(11:05):

Um, those moments of presence when we’re, um, most overwhelmed or when we’re not expecting it. Like, as I’m talking to you, it’s been raining and the sun just came out and it’s kind of, um, you can see the lights changed. It’s kind peeking through the clouds. And I’m gonna count that as a God wink. I’m going to count that as a place for joy. I’m going to count that as a place where God says, Oh gosh, I’m here for you, Suzy. And he’s here for you too. And we can lead into God like with everything we’ve got, because that’s who we’re depending on. And we can ask God to love us with all that we’ve got, because that’s all we have. And so I hope that gives you some encouragement this morning. I’m so glad you’ve joined me this week. I’ll be back again on Monday at 9:00 AM Pacific, 12:00 PM Eastern, and I will see you then. Have a great day and I hope to hope to see you on Monday.