I Surrender Some
I remember going to visit “Mum” she was my surrogate grandma, when i was growing up. She lived in a cabin in the woods in PA, cooked amazing Pot pie, played a mean hand of Canasta and she loved Jesus with all her heart. She had a simple and deep, abiding faith, and i loved to go to her home and rest. Even as a teen, I was aware of the heaviness of life at times, and I always found it restful, simple at Mum’s and that somehow life made sense.
She was always humming or singing old hymns and one of her favorite’s was “I Surrender All.” I think that I learned a lot of theology, just hanging out with her, and this hymn way sacred to her, along with Everlasting Arms. As I grew and learned more of her life story, I understood why. The very fact that she could live surrendered to God, trusting and believing, not blindly, but Faith-filled and at rest, I admired and simultaneously could not grasp.
This past year has been one of ambivalence… of push-pull with a call to surrender and trust that has been like nails on a chalkboard to my “type A” personality. I modified Mum’s song to “I Surrender Some” and was doing fine!, thank you very much…
Remember the cliché about “FINE” (feeling insecure, neurotic, & emotional) well, while i wasn’t necessarily “fine” I was feeling Sick, tired and sick of being sick and tired… so obviously surrendering some, wasn’t really working! lol
So, after a lengthy battle, I decided that G-d wins and I would reassess. Which translates to Rest–lots of rest and doctor visits, listening and yep, you guessed it… SURRENDER!
This meant saying “no, but thanks for asking, maybe at another time…” A lot…
A lot more than I did in the past, A lot more than I like to… and trusting that G-d would bring opportunities back around another day, month… year…
It was during this season of Surrender that a dear friend said these words to me regarding faith: “Faith is not Believing that God Can, it is Knowing He Will.”
These simple words rocked my world, as I thought about how much I Believe… and yet don’t surrender and trust… because when it comes right down to it… I don’t think i KNOW.
As i studied Scripture, I found many examples of Faith filled folks who Knew G-d Would…
and so I am camped out there… learning to surrender….