Facing Reality…and saying it out loud
I went for a walk this morning…
that is a loaded statement for me. a simple declarative statement, but an important one, because I have not been able to go for a walk for the better part of a month…let alone go for a run and I have been quite depressed about that reality.
I went for a walk this morning…
and even though we had to walk a lot slower than usual, at least i go to go on a walk, since the air quality was good enough to risk being outside for more than a few minutes, and my air intake has been improving all week. This week, DC has had sweltering heat and oppressive humidity that sucks the air out of your lungs the moment you step outside. There have been warnings for the elderly and people with respiratory diseases to stay indoors…
….we had to walk slower than normal, because I have a respiratory disease…
I have asthma.
that is my reality.
I have denied the impact of this reality, for years…because I hate the truth of it…I hate the limitations that this truth brings…
because, really, I’m fine… really!
but the truth is, sometimes it is very difficult for me to breath. especially recently, and I haven’t been able to go for a walk for three weeks, (I gave up running 5 weeks ago) because it is too hard to breathe; so I have spent a great deal of time inside, in the air conditioning…breathing…(all my kids wear sweats in the house and watch movies wrapped up in blankets, cold air makes breathing a bit easier;)
I was sure that this “episode” would resolve itself quickly, and I would be back to my schedule and routine in no time… and I had grand plans in the beginning of how I would use my down time wisely…reading, writing, and knocking a few inside jobs off my ‘to do’ list, since I was confined to the indoors…until I realized that the meds I took made my heart race and my hands shake and I was bouncing off the walls due to the albuterol. (have you tried to type with your hands shaking, and your heart racing…like you are going through detox.?)
OK, change of plans… I will read, or watch some of the movies on my list… sure, that is a great plan… only to find that as the meds wore off, I would crash and burn! and sleep, alot! so my days felt like being on a roller coaster! and movies remained unfinished, books fell open in the floor as I drifted off to sleep in mid sentence…
I felt out of control and I did not like this reality. denying it, re-writing it, pretending it was not true was very appealing…and I am quite skilled at this, as I have been doing it for years.
so i set my alarm one morning and purposed myself to go for a run… well just because the mind decides does not mean the body cooperates ;D thus after about a dozen strides, my chest froze up and i realized i had foolishly tried to outwit, outsmart, outplay…G-d! (no way was i going to win at that game!:)
returning home, i felt defeated, beaten, discouraged… depressed. i was surely going to be this way forever… never again would i breath right, never again would i run, never again would i be able to take a walk… and in all my catastrophizing, i was depressed.
there i have lived for the past few weeks. discouraged, down, and with a stubborn edge of “this is not my reality.”
fast forward a few weeks…
OK, change of plans… i will read, or watch some of the movies on my list… sure, that is a great plan… only to find that as the meds wore off, i would crash and burn! and sleep, alot! so my days felt like being on a roller coaster! and movies remained unfinished, books fell open in the floor as I drifted off to sleep in mid sentence…
I felt out of control and I did not like this reality. denying it, re-writing it, pretending it was not true was very appealing…and I am quite skilled at this, as I have been doing it for years.
so i set my alarm one morning and purposed myself to go for a run… well just because the mind decides does not mean the body cooperates ;D thus after about a dozen strides, my chest froze up and i realized i had foolishly tried to outwit, outsmart, outplay…G-d! (no way was I going to win at that game!:)
returning home, I felt defeated, beaten, discouraged… depressed. I was surely going to be this way forever… never again would I breath right, never again would I run, never again would I be able to take a walk… and in all my catastrophizing, I was depressed.
there I have lived for the past few weeks. discouraged, down, and with a stubborn edge of “this is not my reality.”
fast forward a few weeks…
I went for a walk this morning…
I have asthma, that is my reality, and i need to face the truth if i am ever going to deal with it and learn to live with it, with any semblance of grace and wisdom.
yesterday, in a conversation with a dear friend, i named some deep truths about how i have avoided naming the reality that i have asthma, denied the truth of my struggles, and pretended for years that “i’m fine.” Our talk came as a culmination of a few other conversations over the course of the week with my husband, and my mentor, both of who loved me well by offering some challenging words of love…i cannot write about all of what unfolded yet… but it was a holy and sacred conversation, as Light entered some dark places in my heart, my story, my very way of being…and i am still letting it all simmer.
what i can say, is this: facing reality requires that i name and admit the truth…and as i turned the corner onto my street this morning, i thought…
i went for a walk this morning!
….and i should write about why that is a bit of a miracle today…a miracle not only that i had enough breath to go for a walk, but that i am willing to face the reality that i have asthma and am willing to begin to write about my struggles with this truth…
