Breakfast with Champions Episode 210 with Susie Miller – Interviewing Rachel DeAlto
Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. How are you, my friend? How are you, my friend? Welcome. This is the Breakfast With Champions Podcast, one of the most unique, amazing, and powerful podcast you’ll ever come across off in your entire life. Listen, we bring you motivation, education and inspiration and ultimately give you an opportunity to get a seat at the table to hang out with some of those that are doing the things you know, you can do that have reached some of those levels, you know, you can reach. What makes this podcast so unique and incredible is we have over 100 different thought leaders that are constantly delivering amazing, over the top, powerful and impactful content in bite sized Nuggets that you can absorb, take action on and implement in your life. So with that said, make sure you filter through. There’s going to be some of these thought leaders, these experts in their industries that you’re ultimately going to connect with. You’re going to totally, totally resonate, going to totally be your vibe. And then there’s going to be other ones that you’re going to be like, you know what I like, but I don’t know if I love them, and that’s what’s great about Breakfast With Champions is we have something for everyone. So make sure you sift through, find the ones that you love and know that they’ll be coming back every single week to be able to deliver to you the motivation, education and inspiration that you need. With that said, my name is Glenn Lundy. I am your host super excited to connect with you and let’s kick off today’s episode of Breakfast With Tampa.
And so I am so excited to introduce to you today an interview that I have been waiting for for a couple of months. Now. I’m going to introduce you officially to Rachel DiAlto. She is a relationship expert and coach and immediate personality and speaker. And she is the author of a brand new book came out this Tuesday called Relatable How to Connect With Anyone Anywhere, even if it Scares you. And Rachel has appeared as a relation expert on Lifetimes. Married at first TLC. Kate and Dave, the host of FYI’s Kiss Bang Love. She has a communications degree. She is a lawyer, former lawyer. She has a master in psychology. She is a hypnotherapist. She is a coach. She is remarkable, and she is incredibly relatable. Those last two sentences are mine because I have personally met Rachel in real life. We connect on clubhouse in a room. We are both in the relationship communication, leadership space, and we just were like a beeline for each other, did some rooms together. And so I remember the day she’s like, I press send it’s out there. And so on Tuesday, when her book came out last week, I was like, Can I please have you as a guest during my segment? Because I love what you stand for. I love doing wines for you. And just a month ago, I got to meet her in person at the Breakfast with Champions event in New York City. We were both speakers there. And let me tell you folks, hold on to your hats. Get out your pen and paper. My next hour with you. Our next hour with you is going to be chockfull of things that will change your relationships to better, to make them better, to help you connect.
And Rachel’s goal is, she says, I help people connect. That is her bottom line, and you will feel connected to her, connected to one another. And you will have tools to better connect with those people you long to deepen your connection with. So welcome, Rachel. I’m so glad you’re here. Hey, Suzie, always good to see you and share a stage. My gosh. I’m bringing me all the way back to January and all the changes we did together before we were able to sign on with this power community. Yes, I literally have been reading your book since it came out. I was up last night. You laughed. I’ve got my post, it notes. I’ve got my official questions from your press kit. But I loved your book, and I can see why you’ve given three TEDx talks, including being authentic in the filtered world, and that’s actually where we’re going to start our questioning. So just for you guys to know, we’re going to spend some time where I’m going to get my Oprah on. I have some questions all on post notes here that I want to ask Rachel that are from my own reading of the book Relatable, and want you to dive in with us into some things that you may not think about or talk about, but which one you do, which one you do when you do will make a huge difference in how you leave this hour. So she talked about in her Ted talk, being authentic in a filtered world. And one of the things she talked about in the book relatable, Rachel, you talk about hiding who we are. And what was interesting is I remember getting to breakfast with Champions and thinking, gosh, I hope I look like my picture and clubhouse.
I hope that’s not too filtered. And people recognize me because you’re an airbrushed by the photographer and most of us did recognize each other. But there were a few people I was like, is that really her? And you mentioned that we hide who we are in our social media and you talk about why it is so difficult for us to be authentic. And you hint at the cost to our self esteem. And so what I’d love for you to do as we begin. Our interview is talk about why it’s so hard for us to be authentic and then the cost to our self esteem. And you share that in a beautiful story about your son. I just think people really need to begin with this foundation that you invite them to towards authenticity. Oh, my gosh. Well, yeah, it’s obviously it’s become such a passion of mine to talk about these things because of that cost of self esteem, which we can definitely get into. But we’ve created this society, and I don’t even know if we’ve created it as a society. I think it’s always been there. There’s always been this desire of perfection, and there’s been perfectionism for as long as we’ve looked at it. And so people have always tried to strive for this unattainable reality. And the fact is that every time that we strive for that we’re putting ourselves down, we’re putting our true selves down. And I think social media has created this opportunity to portray ourselves as perfect, far easier than we’ve ever been able to before. And that’s through the filters, through Photoshop, through these images that are not real and they’re not attainable. And I talk about in my book, and I’ve talked about this several times.
I went to this party, and I was sitting next to people that I had been following on social media for quite some time, and I had no idea who they were, no idea these people that are out there and have pictures and these curated profiles and personas, and they were unrecognizable. And I did the same thing. The Breakfast Champions Consortium, where I was like, is that that person. And the problem is that the reason why we do that is because we think that we’re not enough as we are with all of our imperfections. And that is something that social media has created within us and created this desire to have this image out here that doesn’t need to be there. So what happens is when we don’t show up as ourselves, and we’re praised for something that we’re not because of that image that we put out, then all we’re doing is telling our self esteem that we’re not good enough as we are. And then we’re creating this cycle, this whole cycle of imperfection and this unattainable level of perfection. So I could talk about this forever. But it’s also just psychologically damaging. But the fact is, if we did show up as ourselves, if we did show up as our imperfect selves, then we’re able to truly connect with others in a way that we feel on a soul level. And I say oftentimes, how can people truly like you love you truly want to do business with you if they don’t know you? So take off those masks, take off those filters, because eventually, hopefully we’re going to show up in person. And if we don’t recognize each other, we’re already starting off on a falsity, and that is no way to start or any relationship. Oh, so good.
I love that you talked about the way it affects our self esteem and that loop of negativity. Every time I put a filter on, I like how I look better, but that just reinforces that I shouldn’t show up without a filter. And I just was introduced to Facetune, and it about killed me because I saw a picture that got face tuned and was like, Damn, I used to look like that. And now I’ve got a few more wrinkles, a few more bells. But how do you suggest that people get comfortable? What’s something they can say to themselves as they post that picture because you talk about even when you’re scared, even when you’re scared to be authentic. What’s a step as they post that picture without the filter that they can save themselves. Besides, Rachel said to do it, well, it’s also an interesting thing because I’ve studied a lot of social media and the effect of social media on selfesteem, the effect of social media on social anxiety. And that was a large focus of my research. And one thing is, don’t post anything if you are posting for the likes and you’re posting for the comments, social media is not inherently bad. Social media can be used for good. But when we are attached to social media in a way that is detrimental to our soul, that’s when it becomes problematic. When we are attached to the likes, when we are emotionally attached to the responses, we’re putting ourselves in a position to have negative impacts on our self esteem, on our self worth and on our anxiety and depression. So part of it is also taking that assessment and saying, Why am I posting this? And what is my attachment to that? What is my attachment to social media in general?
And is there a purpose beyond just the gratification of likes and comments? Is there a purpose to this? Because studies have shown that the purpose when you have that inspiration, when you have that purpose, when there is a reason and there is a message behind what you’re posting, you disconnect from the negative effects of it. And I just think that’s such an important thing. If we can attach ourselves to that, if we can attach ourselves to something bigger than us, then we don’t matter as much. My imperfections don’t matter as much. The fact that Susie, I’m with you. I turned 42 in a couple of weeks, and I’m like, Holy crap, my skin never used to do that. What happened over there, and it’s hard. I’m going to be vain as hell and let you know that. But at the same time, I’m also going to be honest as hell. And so when we are looking to connect with people, one focusing on that message beyond us. But two, just recognizing that if we start to put ourselves out there in that way, it’s okay to have those moments of saying, Well, you know what? I’m not 100% okay with this, or I’m not 100% happy with this. But I accept and love myself the way that I am. And I’m posting this with a purpose beyond my vanity with a purpose beyond. I just want to be praised for how I look, because when we think about it, the reason why we put the filters out there is because we want that reaction. But it’s superficial. We aren’t seeing each other’s hearts, we aren’t seeing each other’s souls or each other’s messages when we’re posting those things with the intention of just looking good. And it’s so much more important than that.
Our purpose is so much more important than that. I love that. And actually, I think you answered the social anxiety question about how we show up. And so in your book, you talk about how we feel about ourselves is how we show up and this idea of building confidence, confidence that can allow us to overcome our social anxiety. And you talk about digging out the root. Can you explain a little bit about digging out the root? We’ve heard fake it till you make it. And I love to focus on what’s good. But digging out your root is a really important step in showing up with confidence. And my guess is one of the steps in overcoming social anxiety. Yes. Oh, my gosh. So yeah. I quote JayZ said, you can’t heal what you don’t reveal, and it is the truth. We tend to gloss over so much of what has hurt us. What has created these confidence shape holes, which I talk about in the book is we have these elements that we need to understand in order to overcome. And I am a huge proponent of therapy. I’m a huge proponent of coaching whoever you need to talk to to start to address. Where does this come from? And a lot of times, as you know, things arise in our family of origin that we don’t recognize them. We don’t pay attention to until it’s showing up in a way that we have to. But if we have these confidence shape tolls and I talk about myself. I talked about how I started off and how in my childhood I went through some massive bullying. So I was a chunky kid. And every time I get the mic on stage, I think in Breakfast with Champions, I’m talking about my love of devil dogs. I talk about the fact that I was a chunky know it all. And guess what that does.
That leads to being ostracized, and it leads to being lonely and having no friends. And so for the longest time, all of those elements from childhood impacted me. And childhood trauma will stay with you until you look at it until you take a look at what is causing this. And until you actually see what is the trajectory, because that’s what happens. Psychology shows us that when we are impacted in childhood, there are spin offs from it. And so we have to look at where is the root of it? Where does it come back to? Because if we can look at that, then maybe we can take a minute to address it, and we can work with our inner child, and we can work through those challenges, and we can overcome it in a way that we can feel truly more confident in ourselves and then move forward in a way that we’re confident to put ourselves out there and be okay with not everybody liking us and be okay with having these imperfections love it. And you and I share this and that we both bring our coaching from a foundation of psychology. We got there differently. But I do think it’s so important. As you say. I always talk about if you don’t understand and know your story, you will live out of it versus being able to understand it and live from it. And so I think it’s so important in this place, I’m going to skip over the boundaries peace, because I know if you’re in a trauma situation with bad and unhealthy people, you’ve got to draw some boundaries. That’s a conversation. Actually, we had no room a number of months back, and I want to move forward to your conversation about positivity. And there’s a couple of things I want to handle in this little bit of the book.
And one is this idea of the people in our world. They’re not trauma people, but they’re not our positive people. And you talk about looking at your relationships and you say it’s got to go or it’s got to change. And I love those categories for people. But what do you do? And I’m looking for some specific principles and then specific language for the people who are in your life, maybe a family member, maybe a good friend, maybe a spouse, even or a kid. And they are in that more negative Nelly, Debbie Downer space. And you’re really trying to check your positivity. What kind of language have you used with your clients to help them draw tighter boundaries around those people? Because to me, it’s muddier in those moments because there are people that we can’t just say, well, you’re a total jerk, or I’m drawing this powder you’re like, well, you know, your reality is itching on my wow. So how do you talk to those people in a way, when you coach your clients about the changing got to go or got to change? Yeah. And there are many people in our life, and oftentimes we go through periods of positivity and negativity. I think I’m a pretty positive person, but I have my negative moments, too. And so there’s two things that I would suggest in those situations. You can only control yourself. So if the conversations are not working, then you can control how you show up and how often you show up in those situations. But if you can have a conversation about it and you can come from a heart space of saying, Listen, it feels like you’re going through some rough times right now. Do you want to talk about it.
Does this feel like something that we could talk through? And maybe sometimes they don’t even recognize it. So if it’s people you care about, especially if it’s your child, I would imagine. And I’ve had this conversation with my son. He’s 21 now, and he’s got some moments where he’s bummed out and has some negative head space. And not to say that I would never cut him off. But I will have a conversation about it, and it will be coming from a love space of talk to me, what is going on with you? And how can I help you shift out of it? And maybe that’s not what’s going to happen for some people. And maybe that conversation for others is going to be something like just helping them recognize it and then also letting them know that I’ve got to stay in this head space right now. So if we don’t hang out as often in these moments, then you understand why. And communication and open communication in those situations where the situations can’t go, but they have to change is so important. Someone reached out to me the other day because I was talking about a situation with one of my friends who is very negative. And she asked me if I had talked to her about it, and I said, yes, this is a situation where I just let her know after a certain amount of time. I said, Friend, we’re going to use her name on here. I said, It just feels like you’re going through stuff and I want to support you through that. But there’s only so much energy that I have, too, and we have to know where our boundary lies in order to preserve the energy that we have because, yes, we want to be good friends. Yes, we want to be good parents.
Yes, we want to be good children, but there’s also a limit because we have to survive as well. And when our energy is depleted to a point where we can’t support ourselves anymore, then that’s problematic. And that’s where those boundaries need to come in. But those conversations can start again. We can only control the outcome of what we choose to do with that. So if the conversation doesn’t need to change, then we have to change how we show up. And if we show up. Oh, my gosh. One of the things I still enjoy about the book and about you, Rachel, and we really resonate on this is always giving practical tips, because I am of the mindset that inspiration without any implementation. There’s just a whole lot of interesting things we want to talk about, but we don’t make any headway in. So I still appreciate those practical tips. And it brings me to my next question. And it’s also in line with the kind of order of the book which you talk about. Michelle. And you talk about how negative can become normal. And in this place, you talk about how we don’t just have negative voices outside of us. But in general, we then begin to have negative voices inside of us. And I’m going to tell on myself a little bit. I read this last night. I stayed up last night. John said I’m like reading Rachel’s book because I had just gotten it and I was taking notes because I love this idea of a negative Journal, and I want you to unpack it, and I want to give you this compliment. I read it last night and I used it with a client today. I’ve never heard this idea before to actually allow negative to become a tool we use versus so often we hear battered away. Shut it down. I’ve used this forever.
Stop talking to yourself that way. Replace it with another sentence and you have a take on it that is so unique and that you have seen work incredibly well with your clients. So I’d love for you to unpack the negative Journal exercise where it came from and why it works. Oh, my gosh. I’ve used this forever with my clients, and honestly, you asked me where it came from. I don’t know. Do you ever do something for so long that you just have no idea where it came from? We’re just talking about your brilliance, a moment of inspiration, a good decade. But it probably came up when I learned about neuroplasticity. So neuroplasticity is a big word that I love to use because I love it. It’s such a fun word. Neuroplasticity. I work with neuroplasticity, but it really is. But it’s such an important thing to understand. And that’s really where the Negativity Journal came from. I know it came from that I don’t know exactly when and how it arrived in my brain, but neuroplasticity means that you can change your thoughts. It means that the neurotransmitters, the neurons that fire together, wire together in our brains typically are on a pathway. And how I always talk about it is we have some paved roads in our brain. So if you are a positive person, those paved roads are paved with positivity, and typically your brain is going to go down those paved roads because it’s easier. Your brain knows that you know what? I’m usually a positive person. We’re going to immediately go down that paved positivity and reply to whatever situation arises. If you are a negative person, the same thing goes.
So typically you’re going to keep going down those same roads because our brains can be lazy at times thinking, I want to take the road that’s been frequently traveled because it’s way more fun to drive fast down a paved road. Whereas the thoughts that are not necessarily our most intuitive way of thinking are more like dirt roads, and they’re bumpy and they’re hard to drive down. But neuroplasticity shows that we can turn those bumpy roads into more of a paved roadway. So what the Negativity Journal does is it brings awareness of where is my natural state? What is my natural way of thinking? How is my natural way of responding to events or comments or situations? And so what I have people do is start to become aware of your thoughts. Awareness is everything. And the more that we can become aware of the way that we’re thinking, the more that we can start to change it. We can change those roads from those bumpy pathways to paved. And so I have people start to track them and write them down. And I prefer that people actually physically write them because there’s also a lot of neuroscience that points to change really happens when pen hits paper. But we are a digital life that we live. And so I say, Listen, if you want to put it on the notes section of your phone or you want to actually get a Journal and write them down, start to write down all the negative thoughts that come into your head because you’ll see them. Once you start to become aware of something, you start to actually be able to recognize them far easier. And so people would start to write down those negative thoughts. And then you’d start to see the clusters that would happen.
So typically, when I would be working with a client, they would come to me and say, oh, wow, my clusters are around my body image. My clusters are around my financial status, my clusters are around my success, my intelligence, all these different elements. They would find clusters of negative thoughts around. And instead of going to from I hate my body to I love my body, I’d say, okay, let’s spin it to a more accepting way of thinking about it and say, I love and accept my body, or I just accept my body. Whatever you can find that rings true. And so in that moment, you’ve now recognized the thought. And now we’re going to spin the thought like a good PR person into something that is more positive. And what I found was over and over again. People started to shift the way that they thought those bumpy roads would turn into something that felt a little more paved. And eventually neuroplasticity would gather those roads into something that became more natural. And people who had more negative personalities were able to switch into more positive personalities. And I always want to caveat here because I am always the lawyer. There are people that have more challenged experiences with this neuro divergence, and people with certain levels of anxiety and depression. This can be more challenging. So I don’t want to Pollyanna this. It can be a process for a lot of people, but the large majority that I have worked with have been able to really identify and start to shift those thoughts. I think, what’s so powerful about this, Rachel, and I appreciate you being so clear in the reason behind it.
With the paved roads and the bumpy roads is that we actually take ownership of what we’re saying to ourselves in our inner dialogue, and we begin to see the clusters, as you said around it. And we are faced with a choice. Awareness is the first thing I talk about on the growth path and we can’t change. We’re not aware of, and you’ve given a really practical tool for becoming aware. So I appreciate that very quickly. Before I move on to my next question, I want to reset the room. I want to say welcome to everyone who is joining us now. We’re here for a fabulous interview with the one and only Rachel DiAlto. She’s a TV and media personality. She is an expert on relationships and relatability. She works with individuals. She works with couples, she works with singles, and she works with corporations all to help them be more relatable. And we’re going to dive into that in just a minute. As I tell you that, actually, this interview is happening in the Breakfast with Champions Millionaire Breakfast Club. And if you missed the first part, you’re going to be really excited to know that we are not just on clubhouse. We actually have a Breakfast With Champions podcast. And so we have pages on Instagram. It’s Breakfast with Champions, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn so you can connect with us across the board there. You’ll get notifications when we go live. You’ll see the links to the podcast. And even better, if you go to Breakfast with Champions Club on Instagram and you click the link from there, you can follow us anywhere. So that gives you a little hint to the magnitude of this Breakfast With Champions programming that we are trying to roll out, rolling out every day.
There’s incredible segments that are helping you get from where you are to where you want to be in a vast area of life, health, wealth, finances, transformation, relationships, mindset across the board, sales, you name it. There is somebody who is a thought leader that’s been invited to be part of this conversation. And we have guest interviews like this one. So welcome to the club. Folks. Go up above David’s Pizza Ace head, hit that little green button and join us so that you can be part of this revolution to literally change lives and move people forward. So I want to give you that quick reset. We are going to go for another few minutes and then I’m going to open up to Q and A. I’m going to ask potentially. I see Molly and Alexander if you guys would be willing to check on the people who have got their hands raised so I can stay focused on Rachel. I’d appreciate that if you don’t mind, I want to kind of highlight. We’ve talked about authenticity and the power of choosing to be your real self. And Rachel, I love that you told on yourself. You’re like, I’m vain. I’m getting older. I’m going to use filters. But I’m also going to show up with my hair in a messy bun right after a workout. So you’re naming authenticity and demonstrating it as you’re calling us to it. That’s really powerful. You’ve given us some really good tips around how to actually language boundaries that got to go. And they got to change from your book. And then you went into this incredibly smart, science based exercise on the Negative Journal to rewire our neuroplasticity. And so to me, those are really internal work stuff that we do that I think leads us to my next question, which is, tell us a little bit. It’s a two part.
What exactly is relatability? And how does that connect to our career advancement? And then we’re going to go into the second part of my question. Yeah, well, relatability it’s our ability to connect to each other. It’s our ability to relate. And it’s something that I never thought about. I think I just took it for granted until I left married at first, and people were messaging me and saying, Why are you leaving you’re the most relatable expert. And I got that message over and over and over again, and it made me think, what is it exactly that is helping people feel connected to me, even though there is a screen between us, even though I’ve never met them in person. And I started to look at other people because I am not a research study of one. And I looked at other people who I found to be relatable. And I just found that they had these core elements that made you feel like you were truly connected. It made you feel like you would want to have a beer with them or a coffee or a tea or whatever your jam is. And so it’s that kind of Genese qua of relationships. And so I found that it was next level in terms of likability. Likability is one thing I like. That person is one thing I like a lot of people. It doesn’t mean I want to go hang out with them. And so relatability is who do I want to hang out with? Who is that person that I want to be with? And it does have such an impact on every area of our life and especially in career advancement, because think about it. Whatever job that you are looking to do, whatever job you’re looking to get, whatever you’re looking to sell, whatever you’re looking to connect with, if you could be relatable to them, it takes all of that likability to that next level.
It takes that desirability to that next level and makes them actually feel connected and loyal and integrated with you versus kind of these ancillary situations that we often have in the workplace or often have in terms of sales. And I always do think of sales because I think salespeople are the ones that really have that need. And we’re all sales people all entrepreneurs are salespeople to an extent where if we were more relatable in our marketing, if we were more relatable in our connections, we would sell a lot more because people feel that connected to us because we are humans having a human experience and we want to buy from humans and we want to be connected to humans so good and so important. I like the differentiation between likable and relatable. I have a beer with this person and I’m not going to give away all the things in your book. I want people to buy it and get it. And I know it’s available to all major booksellers and on Amazon. But along this line of the relatability, you talk about the inquiries and conversations. And in my book, I talk about that. We coop conversations. We so want to relate. And I’m telling on myself here that we do the me too, and not me too movement. But like somebody might say, I’m going to Paris. And this is the actual example I use in my book where I say, you know what? I went there too. Me too. I love Paris. Let me tell you about Paris because I was so excited for them and wanted to connect with them, and I co opted the conversation. Total communication fail. Total mistake. And please all we who teach this don’t always do it. And you talk about this very specific point of being curious in your conversation.
And there’s an elegance of the way you were able in the book to stay relating your story without co opting the conversation. I’d love for you to unpack that because a lot of times I think that our desire to meet too, or I get it or I was there is born of a good part of our heart, and we don’t realize that we’re not being curious. We’re damaging our relatability. So if you could unpack that a little bit for people, you do such a good job of expressing the importance and the how to of curious conversations. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Curiosity is everything. I think it is so important. And I see my girl Rita here. I always think of Rita every time because we’ve been talking about curiosity together for a while now, and I love active listening, obviously. And I love people who ask questions. And I love people who make the other person the center of focus. But without curiosity, there’s no energetic attachment to it. And so what you’re saying here is yes, it’s a communication fault. Paul, when we try to one up those conversations and I actually did a TikTok on this that blew up a little bit and talking about how it’s the people who try to manipulate that conversation with that one upness. And it’s okay to want to relate to somebody because you’ve had a similar experience or you’ve gone to a similar place or you’ve been in a similar environment. But when you can turn it back to them. And you can say, oh, my gosh. I went there too. But tell me about your favorite part of it. Tell me about what really made that impactful for you. Or tell me about your experience. Then you’re turning it back and you’re being curious about their experience and you’re putting the attention on them.
And at the end of the day, communication should be about elevating the person in front of you. It should be about putting the spotlight on them and making them feel seen and heard, because that is our truest human desire is to feel seen in her. There is no one more lonely than the invisible. And so curious. Listening is finding those things that we are genuinely interested in. This isn’t a fake and that’s I think what changes between active listening, active listening is I will be present for you, which is important. Presence is an enormous part of being relatable. But curious is I’m invested the guy I’m physically, emotionally energetically, intellectually invested in what you have to say. And I talk about my fiance sometimes on stages, and I’ve talked about him in the book on occasion. He’s a very private person, so he’s probably cringing and he’s downstairs right now, so hopefully he’s not listening. I don’t like to tell him the nice things,but he makes everybody in front of him feel like the center of the universe. It’s part of the reason why I fell in love with him. He makes the person feel seen and heard. And he is so naturally curious. And so I think that that’s just such an admirable quality for him, but also, like, such a special feeling. Sorry that his phone call, such a special feeling for the person in front of them. And so if you could take a smidgen of that and set the intention, the next conversation, you have to get curious about that person or get curious about even an element. If you can’t be curious about everything, get curious about an element of it and then run with that because it’ll make them feel absolutely amazing.
I think that’s such an important point of good communication. And I like the way again, I’m going to share this in the book. You relate being able to connect with them in a shared experience, but keep it about them. That is next level stuff, girl. And again, I underlined it. I took notes on it. I think I have three sticky notes on it because to me, that level of tell me more about you because I think so often it’s a good part of our hearts we’re leaning in from this is me telling on me, but across the board with even my clients and my experiences in the field, it’s from a good part of our heart, but we’re clunky and the elegance with which you talked about. Hey, yeah, I’ve been to Paris too. What did you like? Or I’m headed too. That’s on my bucket list. What would you recommend? It turns it back on them in a way that allows them to feel seen, heard, known, and most important. And I love this idea of curiosity in our listening, especially in a world of sound bites where we walk down the hall or we hop on Zoom. How you doing? Fine. Great. Good. How was your weekend? Good. What did you do? Camping. And I’ve started to say, Well, tell me more or how did you get into that? And so making it a priority to be intentionally curious is a big takeaway that I think I want people just want to highlight that with big yellow markers, because so many of us, you talk about being social creatures, and we’re made for social creatures and how we’ve lost that in this covet. So I got to call you. I’ve got every other Ding and notification off, but I can’t. I haven’t figured out how to turn it off. You can’t, because if you’re in airplane mode, you can’t be here.
So I want to commend you on that. And the way you share that so well in the book. Okay. Next question. I got two more left, and then we’ll open it up. You talk about people pleasing. And one of the things that I actually had a capture with a client this week about was when you’re afraid to disappoint somebody. And that becomes your mantra. You become like a pretzel and a burnt one because everybody you’ve talked to has a different thing they want from you. And you end up with this people pleasing, anti disappointment. But you’re always oppressive because that’s a moving target. And so you talked about making a list about people about where nice is not necessarily kindness. And you talk about how to begin to learn to say no. Could you impact that? Because I think we have many of us the disease of people pleasing. We do. And if we go back to what we were talking about before, of really digging out the root of it. It’s so important with people pleasing as well, because a lot of times people pleasing comes from that fear of abandonment. And it comes from traumas that we’ve experienced in situations that we’ve experienced where someone left us. So we feel like if we are perfect and we feel like we do everything for them, then they won’t leave. And that’s just not the case. In fact, it’s going to damage the relationships that you’re in because people there’s a loss of respect, oftentimes with someone who will do too much. And we want to make sure that we are confident enough in ourselves to say no. And so part of this is absolutely recognizing those tendencies, because if you are a people, pleaser, I guarantee oftentimes.
And I’ve been there too. And I’ve done this, and I don’t speak from a pedestal, and I love fans. I don’t think he’s hanging out with us right now. He’s got kids stuff going on. But he was talking about before in his room in his session about how we can’t put ourselves on a pedestal when we’re speakers and we definitely can’t do it when we’re authors and I will never put myself on the pedestal. I will tell you I have been in those shoes and I’ve done those things and people pleasing you will say yes to something and then you will resent it. I’m sure there are a lot of people here on stage that can definitely resonate with the fact that they have said yes to things. They have said yes to things that they knew they didn’t want to do, but they felt like they had to. And so if you feel like there are so many times where you have to do something or you should do something, stop in your tracks right then and ask yourself, why, why am I saying that to myself? Why am I saying I should do this? Why am I saying that I have to do this? You don’t. You can choose yourself unless it is about keeping a child alive, because that’s kind of your responsibility, feeding and bathing and all of those things. But when it’s coming to a point of I am just doing this because I am trying to preserve a relationship, then that’s time to shine a bigger light on it. So looking at it from a clearer lens, and that’s where often when I’ve been doing interviews and I’ve been talking about this book and my mission here, it’s self awareness in all of these areas are so key. So bringing a light to it, understanding that you don’t have to say that every time you don’t have to reply with a yes and then starting to take your power back. Step by step.
I was talking to someone today about just social anxiety. I said, I don’t want to throw you in the deep end of a pool and see if you can swim, because that’s actually how I learned to swim. And I still drive by that damn swim school. And I am terrified to this day. So that is not my intention here, but I think we can babysit. So if you are a people, pleaser and you find yourself constantly saying yes and then resenting it, then start to say no bit by bit. Start to take your power back, start to take your ownership of your energy back and say no step by step. And then you’ll get more powerful as you grow bit by bit, step by step. And you talk about now being a complete sentence so incredibly powerful and practical. Rachel, thank you so much. I’m going to move on to my last question before I do. I want to say you live that out. There’s a chapter in your book where you talk about the courage it took to say no more to an abusive relationship. And I don’t know if you want to share about that now or we want to leave that for people to read. So I was going to ask you that piece before I go into my last question. Yeah, I’m an open book with a book, and it’s so true when you write a book, everybody out there knows everything. I think I wrote a Disclaimer, not my lawyer contact, but I’m going to get in trouble because people are going to know I don’t always do what I preach, but I do think take maybe two to three minutes and talk about the courage to say no when it’s for survival. I think it’s an important part of the book and being relatable because so many of us are taught to just be nice, and I think you use it as the way you learned by swimming in the deep end relationally.
But I want to get on to some of the other things you said in your book because I feel like it’s both, and I want to commend you for the courage to include it because it’s so powerful to say, I’ve walked in your shoes. It makes you incredibly relatable. Yeah, it’s something that I definitely grappled with, including. So I was in a toxic marriage. I’m pretty honest about it in terms of verbal inclusion. I talk about it on stages and I talk about it obviously one on one with people and I talk about it in clubhouse rooms. But putting it in black and white was really something. So I was married for seven years. I’m like I stopped. I still can’t add and subtract. I was a lawyer and not a mathematician, but I was married very young. I got engaged within six weeks and we were married within ten months, and I did not know the person enough. But I was also 24 years old, a single mom, which I also talk about in the book at the time. I had a four year old son and it felt like heaven to be rescued at that stage because I wasn’t sure how I was going to live my life and support my child and feel like I had a full life as a young single mom. And so I entered into this relationship and it was toxic. But I also have a high level of responsibility and I have a high value of loyalty. And so I stayed and I stayed until it was detrimental to my children. And it’s such an interesting thing because I do talk about it in the book, and I also wanted to respect the memory of him because he did pass away three years ago, and I didn’t want to have my children read it one day and say, wow, mom, you really said some nasty things in there.
I would never say nasty things, but I’m going to tell the truth, and I’m going to tell it in a way that’s still going to respect the situation, but be honest. And so I had my son read it, and I had my fiance read it before I turned it in. And I said, Is this okay? Is it okay to talk about these things? Does it toe that line of honest but respectful? And they said, yes, and I said, okay, well, then it stays because it’s my story, and there’s still a little fear around it. So if I’m being completely authentic and real and vulnerable, there are still parts of it that scares me to put that all out there. But it’s necessary, because if we don’t talk about these things, if we don’t talk about the situations that could be prevented for someone in the future, then we’re doing a disservice because if I step on a landmine and then I don’t tell you where it is. Well, I’m a jerk, actually, I’m kind of homicidal at that point. So it’s a necessary thing that we should speak about. And it’s not a dirty little secret, and it is honest and it is real. And it is my story. So to go through, that was my greatest lesson in relationships. I’ve been studying relationship for ten to ten years, and as you mentioned, I have a Masters in psychology. I learned more in that relationship and then navigating that relationship post divorce than I learned in anything. So I’d be doing this service to the people that I speak to if I did not include it. I just want to commend you on that again. And yes, we learn more in experience than from books. They do help us with some theories. But you say in here we have one life. Why would we live in a way that hurts us? Choose you.
And I guarantee you, Rachel, there’s someone who has already read your book and will read your book, who will have the courage to make a different choice and leave an abusive relationship because of your courage. And I do want to say this to you as one professional to another and as one friend to another and as one author to another. It’s a very well written part of your book. It’s very respectful to your children and to the father of your children. So thank you for including that and helping us all be more courageous. You’re welcome one last question before we try to open up for audience and speaker questions is so many. I’m just giving my last three post notes to give other people chances. But you talked about the critical smile and some of the things again. What fascinated me about your book is the unique perspectives that you bring to relatability how to be that person in variety of settings. And so I mean this from the bottom of my heart. So well done, my friend. Talk about the critical smile. Sorry I couldn’t get to my mute button. So the critical smile to me was something that I felt was necessary because so often we were told to give the sandwich the criticism where you’re telling people something, you’re telling something positive, and then you go into something negative and then you ended on something positive. But the problem is that we oftentimes we remember those end notes and we remember, but the middle gets muddled. So the critical smile tries to take it to a little bit more drawn out but more honest approach to where people will actually take your criticism and do something with it, because I want you to be positive throughout it.
So you want to like the criticism sandwich typically doesn’t get to the point fast enough. Kind of like me in this last moment where I did not get to the point fast enough. I want people to start with the main point, and I call it the critical smile because I want you to get to the teeth of the matter of what is the criticism that you have instead of trying to mask it with positivity and put a bandaid on a bullet wound, I want you to talk about what are the issues, what are the issues that are happening and what are the challenges that you’re trying to overcome? So starting with that main point and then get into the teeth of it and really get to the heart of the matter so that the person is understanding. Ok. This is why I am starting this conversation. This is why I’m having this critical moment, and I’m going to explain it, but then also ends with an upswing. And that’s why I think it’s a smile. It’s not just a grimace. It’s ending with that upswing of what’s the goal attached to this, because that critique, that sandwiched critique where it’s positive, negative, positive. There’s no goal in there. I’m going to tell you something bad, but I’m going to mask it with these bookends, but the critical smile takes it to one of the goals. So if I’m on an upswing, there’s a goal attached to the end of it. And above all, it’s a smile because it’s done out of kindness. It’s done with a positive background to it. And there is a message here that’s attached to it, because even if it’s a criticism, even if it’s a critical conversation that you have to have with somebody, you’re doing it from a place of kindness and you’re doing it from a place of a positive upswing. So I hope that I felt like I got distracted.
I got, like, four notifications at the same time. I need to come back to this. Here’s what I want to say. It actually circles all the way back to where we started, which is about being your authentic self. And so the critical smile is you’re showing up going, there’s a problem we need to handle it. Here’s the teeth, here’s the kindness, here’s the goal, and that to me, resonates all the way back with what you first talked about, which when you want to talk about relatability. You’ve got to start with authenticity, so thank you, Rachel. I’m going to come back and say a few things before we’re done, but I’d love to open it up for questions. Flash your mics. We’ve got about 15 minutes for questions. Who do? I got a question? I got lots of readable. I mean, lots of books that got relatable on it. I haven’t changed my picture yet because I’ve been so focused on the interview. Who has a question for Rachel? Go ahead and flash your mics for me. Alexander has a question. Doctor Row has a question that’s as far as I got. So go ahead, Alexander. I’ll always defer the ladies first. Go ahead, Dr. Roe. Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you, Alexander. I appreciate that. Hello, beautiful. Rachel, you know that I love you. I have your book. I have done a review, and I’m so excited for you. I have a quick question. Was there any time that you were in a stuck space as you were writing this and recalling the things that you experienced? And if so, how did you rise above it? That’s a great question. So one of the things I did in writing this book that I thought was magical because it made it flow so much better is I gave myself the space and time, but I joined a writing group and I didn’t realize how much accountability and consistency would really play into just being in a creative flow.
So I joined a writing group where we wrote from nine to 10:00 on Zoom separately every single day. And somehow just knowing that I had that time blocked out and knowing that no matter what else is going on in my life, like nine to ten was going to be writing, I was able to hyper focus during those times, so I never really had kind of those moments where I was blocked by anything. But I did have moments where I would say, okay, I’m going to come back to this later, and I think giving yourself the Grace as you write is really important. So there are times where I thought I was going to work on very linear. So if I’m going to start on chapter one, I’m going to do chapter two after that, then three, four, five. And there were times where that part just didn’t flow and I would go to something else. So I’d skip that chapter. I’d go skip chapter five, go to chapter ten and then come back, and it was giving myself that space because I do think our subconscious is so powerful that if you give it some space to breathe, you might be surprised about what comes back to you. So I hope that answers your question. But really, that consistency of being able to write during those time periods. And sometimes I’d write longer. But most of the time I just write for that hour a day, and it took me six months to write it. But I would really condense it to that to allow my brain that space to breathe. Because also, I do think again, back to the subconscious that when you see, I had a table of contents and I went through a traditional publisher. So you had a big old book proposal that was already 60 pages long, but you had expanded table of content, so you kind of knew what was coming.
And if you took a look at that and then gave yourself time in between, your brain starts to kind of populate itself, and then I’d come back to it and be like, oh, yeah. Let’s talk about that. So I would sit down and write that chapter that came to me more easily. Terrific. Great question, Dr. Row. Yes, Alexander, go ahead. Yes, ma’am. And really quick. I just want to give a quick plug, because if you’re like me, I read fiction for pleasure. But I listen to books like Relatable on Audible because they help me step further into my greatness. And so I got your book on Audible. I know that, you know that because I posted it all over my social. And I am. And I love that I get to hear it in your voice because you have such an awesome voice. But my question is this we all know the old adage that those that can’t teach how often do you still to this day find yourself in that moment of having to actually use your own words and put them into practice. And how do you keep yourself in check so that you don’t fall down the rabbit hole? But you actually do keep yourself in practice. Oh, my gosh. So I call myself out. I yell at myself all the time, all of these elements. I did it yesterday, and honestly, I feel like I get a pass because book launch week was nuts. But I was buried in my phone. And one of the bigger elements of relatability, I think, is our presence. And I’m with my daughter. And I’m like, I talk about this a lot, and it’s part of my speech. It’s part of my book of this story that I have with her. And I’m like, I’m doing it again, my daughter’s right here. She’s trying to have a conversation with me, and I’m checking my notifications because I don’t want to miss anything.
And so I had to take a moment to say, Rachel, put the phone down. She’s going to remember this, and it’s not going to be positive. And you want to make sure that you’re giving this positivity to your child and making sure that you are practicing what you preach and the same thing with authenticity. And there are times where you still want masks are protective gear, not just in PPE terms. So I have times where I want to put that mask on, where I want to put that filter on, where I’m like oh, wow. You’re a little busted up this morning. We’re going to want to put something on that before you post or before you go live. And so I have to tell myself often that you have to follow your own advice. And it definitely is humbling. And I do think that one of the skills that I have gained is that personal self awareness where I know it within seconds. It’s like, no, we’re going to need to check that. And so that’s kind of the benefit of it when you do teach this. And when it does become a part of you, you’re very self aware when you are falling short. Oh, my gosh, yes, it becomes as voices in your head. What a great question, Alexander. Thank you for that. Rachel, thank you for that. Anyone else have a question for Rachel? Scrolling down. I see. Shirley. Go ahead, Shirley. Hey, Rachel. How are you as well as Susie and the beautiful girl that Sarah has owning your book up there about that marketability for sure. First and foremost, I want to come in you and your transparency of being brave and being bold, to share your story, to help other women understand that they can come forth with what’s going on in their life.
What gave you the courage to write about it is the question that I have for you. Well, it’s honestly because of the impact that I’ve seen it make. And I dabbled if we’re talking about the divorce aspect, especially. But I talk about a lot of other things in my book that are very personal to me, including my experience growing up and my lack of confidence. And I talk about where I hid my son as an attorney because I was afraid of being perceived as less than perfect. So there’s so many different elements that I talk about in addition to my marriage that I think are just it’s always been the response that I’ve recognized. And so if I shared it on a stage or I shared it in a group, or I’ve just shared it with a person. And I heard the impact occur. And we all have those moments, right. We have those moments, especially here on Clubhouse, where we can feel that impact because all of a sudden, you’re getting messages and people are saying, oh, my gosh, I can’t tell you how much that impacted me or how important that was to me or the feeling that they gave me and to me, I haven’t been given this platform to rest on my laurels, and I haven’t been given this platform to become popular. I’ve been gifted this platform to make a difference. And if I feel like that difference is occurring, I’m going to run with it. And so I am a data driven girl. And if people are responding to it and people are saying, I can’t tell you how much that mattered to me, I’m going to put it out there in a bigger way. And so especially with my marriage. I gave a speech a couple of weeks ago, and I didn’t feel at the time like it was my best work at the time because we all have those moments.
We are human, we are fallible. But the messages I got afterwards were Holy Moly like that’s going to change my life. And that’s why I find the strength to share these things. Because if I could impact anybody, one person, two people, a dozen, I’m going to share it. And I’m going to share it from the mountaintops because that’s what I’m here to do, because I thought about as you were talking as an image of the woman, no puns intended guys. But the woman that wants to wear the makeup and she won’t leave the house without having the perfect makeup on. But on the inside, she’s really hurting and she’s really going through. So again, I commend you for taking that step and being very bold to put that out there from the many different facets to help other women as well as men, too. That may read your book, to know how to get through and how to be relatable. So thank you so much, Susie, for bringing her to the stage and letting her share with us. Thank you, Shirley. It was my honor, my honor, to be talking with you, Rachel, to really unpack some of your content to hear your stories before we wind up through. Is there anything last minute things you want to share or how people can connect with you, where they can get your book, or if they take nothing else away from our interview?
What’s the one next thing they can do? Well, they can just take those next steps. Just know that no matter where you’re coming from, in terms of relatability, those next steps are within your reach. And I think that often times it feels overwhelming, especially for those with social anxiety, which has always been my passion of really helping those who are anxious around those relationships is that they don’t feel like you have to see that entire staircase and leap the staircase one step at a time is all you need. And I’m Rachel dialtu everywhere. I so appreciate you, Susie. Thank you for allowing me to share with everyone tonight, and I would love to continue the conversation with anybody who is looking to continue it. Thank you for joining us on Breakfast with Champions. If you want to catch the live version, you can follow us on clubhouse and listen from 05:00 a.m.. To 11:00 a.m.. Eastern time Monday through Friday, Saturday, six to noon and Sundays with our 111 Sunday service. Make sure you’re keeping up with Breakfast with Champions and getting yourself a seat at the table.