pen on journalI remember going to visit “Mum”  she was my surrogate grandma, when i was growing up.  She lived in a cabin in the woods in PA, cooked amazing Pot pie, played a mean hand of Canasta and she loved Jesus with all her heart.  She had a simple and deep, abiding faith, and i loved to go to her home and rest.  Even as a teen, I was aware of the heaviness of life at times, and I always found it restful, simple at Mum’s and that somehow life made sense.

She was always humming or singing old hymns and one of her favorite’s was “I Surrender All.”  I think that I learned a lot of theology, just hanging out with her, and this hymn way sacred to her, along with Everlasting Arms.  As I grew and learned more of her life story, I understood why.  The very fact that she could live surrendered to God, trusting and believing, not blindly, but Faith-filled and at rest, I admired and simultaneously could not grasp.

This past year has been one of ambivalence… of push-pull with a call to surrender and trust that has been like nails on a chalkboard to my “type A” personality.  I modified Mum’s song to “I Surrender Some” and was doing fine!, thank you very much…

Remember the cliché about “FINE” (feeling insecure, neurotic, & emotional)  well, while i wasn’t necessarily “fine” I was feeling Sick, tired and sick of being sick and tired… so obviously surrendering some, wasn’t really working!  lol

So, after a lengthy battle, I decided that G-d wins and I would reassess.  Which translates to Rest–lots of rest and doctor visits, listening and yep, you guessed it… SURRENDER!

This meant saying “no, but thanks for asking, maybe at another time…”  A lot…

A lot more than I did in the past, A lot more than I like to… and trusting that G-d would bring opportunities back around another day, month… year…

It was during this season of Surrender that a dear friend said these words to me regarding faith:  “Faith is not Believing that God Can, it is Knowing He Will.”

These simple words rocked my world, as I thought about how much I Believe… and yet don’t surrender and trust… because when it comes right down to it… I don’t think i KNOW.

As i studied Scripture, I found many examples of Faith filled folks who Knew G-d Would…

and so I am camped out there… learning to surrender….

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